Harp on it

DAY 57 MORNING PAGE

Mood lifting after good work & journaling yesterday.
Discussed the need to externalize/express medical rage — the trials of the last 18 months. All the things. Maybe that’s where the real growth is — or a big piece of it. A lifetime of unexpressed/unprocessed anger has been coming out inside me — poison leaking into my immune system, constant threat. Maybe it has disguised itself as intellect or acceptance or justification to protect me from punishment — me yelling “I’m stupid” to cover up calling my Mom stupid.

I’m angry at men denying, dismissing, oppressing, abusing us.
Harming our bodies through chosen negligence. Blaming us for our suffering. For suffering they have caused or worsened.

I’m angry at “collaborators” for neglecting my work and the credit I deserve. At the systems that conditioned me to devalue myself and give my labor & spirit away with nothing in return.

I’m angry at my father for his unwillingness to accept me, and Sarah as we are. At the systems that devalue and actively try to erase the spirit and those who pursue lives of dignity, beauty, truth through the arts by expecting us to work for free in hostile conditions. Systems that punish the disabled financially & emotionally through stigma and denial and gaslighting. Who preach religious freedom while controlling our bodies and deciding who is worthy of care. of freedom.

This anger needs a voice. Needs to be sung.
Sung, and shared and seen. That’s how anger can heal and be healed. So I’ll scream into the microphone and wield my harp as a battle cry for freedom.